Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
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I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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