you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
