Your face is a jimmy john
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
