The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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