i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
