this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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