Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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