I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
