i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
