I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
