Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
