please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
