why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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