so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
