My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
