shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you will always have a special place in my vag
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
