PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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