u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.