weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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