Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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