Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
