I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
