White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
