My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
