last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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