I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
