seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
