and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
