I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
