I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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