i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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