They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
