i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
