I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
