I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
