You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers