I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
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Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.