i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
