She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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