there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm gonna fight the coyote