his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
