we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
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Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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