I think my fart just growled at me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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