Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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