i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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