My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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