Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
