I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
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During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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