Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
