She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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