I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
