I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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