Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
