I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
