Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
