the condom got lost in my hair
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
