When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
