im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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