u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
