I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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