i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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